Few hours to my birthday.... Well not anymore...

Alhamdulillah. I'm safely arrived at Penang. Good bye Sabak Bernam. Yknowww. I left my family, my mother for sure in a few hours before my birthday and I feel a bit suck.

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Madah-madah diatas telah ditulis semasa aku baru sampai Penang. Lepas tu tak habis tulis sebab dah sibuk buat benda lain. Buat apa pun aku tak tahu la. Right now, I'm on the bed, typing on this laptop about my day. Yes, my birthday. Dah passed one hour. It's already 30th of March. Takde buat apa sangat pun since aku kat rumah makcik tercinta ni. Dok babysitting je lah.

Ya Rabbi, aku sangat sangat not in the mood nak menulis sekarang. Izinkan aku pergi. Assalamualaikum.

Incomplete.

Ara, y u no here with me? I think I have to get use with this feeling. Aku dah tak tahu mana lagi sakit. Either putus cinta or putus hubungan dengan anak buah aku. For the past a year, my whole life change upside down. I can't think of how to put myself back in the happy corner or something. I realized that the only place that I can turn to make myself happy is Allah, friends and family. Aku yakin semua ni ada hikmah. Allah is The One who created this, and Allah is The One whom I should turn to when I have no strength to live in this world. Aku penat. Aku penat hidup macam ni. Nobody ever understand my condition right now. Nobody. Kalau aku luah dan cerita dari awal ke hujungnya penderitaan aku selama ni, tak kan ada yang benar-benar faham kecuali mereka yang pernah lalui apa yang aku rasa.

"Efa, you are such a strong girl I ever seen in this world. The problems that you're facing right now, yes I know that they don't affect you through the physical way. But I know that you're having a hard time dealing with your emotion. Benda dalam hati kan, Efa? Aku rasa kalau aku kat tempat kau, aku boleh jadi gila."

NSMF, 2013

Yes, I think these tests are really hard for me. Tapi Allah kan tak kan menguji hamba Nya melampaui apa yang aku termampu. Aku percaya tu. Aku sentiasa cari, dalam setiap apa yang jadi, aku akan pastikan aku tak terpesong dari landasan Ilahi. I was a bad, bad, bad girl before. Tapi sampai bila aku nak kekal dalam hidup tu? Alhamdulillah dengan ujian yang Allah beri, aku dapat cari semula kekuatan diri. Dulu aku sangka aku kuat, tapi sebenarnya aku lemah. Lemah dalam mempercayai kuasa Rabb ku. Kini aku gagah berdiri atas segala impak ujian yang Allah Taala beri untuk aku capai redha Ilahi dan demi syurga yang di janji.

Aku ni pandai jugak bermadah puitis. Aku rasa aku lahir untuk menulis. Aumm. 

This is life, Efa. Dalam setiap yang pahit itu ada manisnya. Aku cuma kena terus kuat dan percaya. Ara kat Besut, Allah ganti dengan adiknya. Memang lah baby tu tak kan boleh ganti Ara. Aku.. Aku terlalu sayang kan Ara. Aghhh aku takmo dah layan perasaan ni. I'm sick. Aku tak sangka affect dia boleh jadi macam ni. I'm awake, but my world is half asleep. Tadi dapat call Ara and it just brought the tears and sadness. Bahagia cuma seketika. Kalau diikut rasa hati, ingin aku beli tiket bas direct ke Besut. Dah, cukup untuk hari ni. Aku nak sambung tengok Tarzan. 

The new family

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah  Shukran ya Allah. My sil selamat lahirkan anak kedua dia malam tadi. Which automatically made Ara as Kak Long! Omg anak aku yang kecik tu dah dapat adik. Ara si botak tu dah jadi kakak. Omg this life is totally torturing my emotion. Am I really connected to this life? Every single things happened in a blink of an eye. Feels like Ara just born onto this world last week. And out of sudden, Ara is now a sister to her cute, liddol, tiny baby brother. Pergghhhh.

And yknow what?! I'm in my semester break and I still can't believe it. I can't believe that I'm actually in Sabak Bernam and spending every seconds breathing the Sabak's air. Okay I think I'm being melodramatic and it's freaking annoying.

Two semesters passed by. And they passed with the same situations. I AM FRIGGIN' ANNOYED WITH SHAZLAN AMIRUL. Masa sem 1 dulu takde la rasa macam ni. Tapi kali ni, dengan mata kepala sendiri tengok dia date dengan ex roommate aku, I felt like I wanna scream my lungs out right infront of him jugak at that time. I'm not jealous or what. It just, I'm freaking sad because he turned into someone he said he will never be. And I'm not that sad because he lied to me. But I'm sad that from now on, I can't trust him anymore. I know it's a good thing to have him as my friend which I consider as my soul mate since we got so much commons in each other, but Kun. I had enough. So, goodbye :)

The other shits feeling that actually living inside of me right now is, the fact that Ara is not here. She's thousands miles away from me. Sedih sangat. Aku jaga dia masa dia baru lahir. Masa tapak kaki dia kecik 2 jari aku sampai la dia dah besar boleh jalan, boleh gelak, joget dengan aku. Dia dah pandai sebut maklang even she pronounced it as 'Malam' and sometimes, 'Ayam'. I miss her so much. Kadang-kadang bila aku teringat kat Ara, aku nangis sampai keluar bunyi. Haha. I mean, bukan teresak esak je. I keep calling 'Ara.... Ara.... Maklang rindu....' k, teruk betul aku nangis. On April, aku dah nak pergi Penang. Kerja kat sana 2 bulan n right before aku balik UPSI, aku nak pergi Besut. By myself untuk jumpa Ara. I don't care. Aku nak pergi jumpa jugak anak aku. Ni nama nya cinta sejati.

I have no time to think of anything else such as love or whatever. I have many things to be take care of. My new nephew, Ara.. My parents's divorce. My adik-adik yang perlukan kasih sayang. Sekarang ni pun duduk kat rumah nenek sebab nenek sakit. Banyak benda aku terpaksa deal sekarang. But I believe that everything must have its own reason and pasti ada hikmah. I put my trust in Allah. Nak tidur jap, qailullah. Assalamualaikum.

So, impressive. I made the third blog for myself at this very end of my 18 years old of living in this world. Nothing to be blogged about actually. I am just looking for another way to write my story or on the other word, my daily notes besides the social network's accounts that I own these friggin' days.

It has been a total shock for me when I recall back the fact that I'm gonna end this second semester in about two days from now! Can't believe how damn fast the time flies. And at this very moment, I still have a crush on the same person since the first day I saw him when I started my university life. Shazlan Amirul. I dont know why, I dont know how. This is all from Allah. No matter what I do, where I go, what I eat. And at the end of the day, I'm still looking forward after him. Even after all the gross facts that I heard about him. Sedih bukan?

On this June, I'm gonna start my third semester which is gonna be the half of my journey as an diploma in English student in Sultan Idris University of Education. And then, another three semesters to go and I'll find my way to be somebody in the future. I'll leave this place soon. I dont know what the future might be but I'm hoping that I will be in a good part of my life. Indeed.

I am actually getting sick to ease my mind about this one particular guy. Siapa lagi kalau bukan Shazlan Amirul. I'm fine, I'm doing good even I know that he's been flirting with my ex roommate whom well known among our friends as the 'heart-breaker'. I dont know what Shazlan sees in her. Her pretty face maybe. But doesn't he realized that pretty face will never promise a pretty heart? Maybe she has changed now, who knows right?

Whatever it is, I am now dealing with my body figure issues. As a woman, having those stupid insecurities are the part of living right? so I have this shit feeling of having a skinny body just like the models used to have. But when it comes to eat, ahaaa I ain't tolerate with that. But sometimes I am. I fast a lot these days to control my nafs towards those delicious food.