Ujian Allah.

Here I am, at my workplace, listen to some musics, 'Just Give Me A Reason' and nasyid.. I still, stalk Apip I don't know why. And I had a super weird dream ever. Aku mimpi aku boleh terbang. It was cool, seriously. It was fun and I want to have a dream like that again. Please :(
And, ada jugak mimpi sikit pasal Shazlan Amirul. Aku harap sem depan, aku takde crush kat dia lagi. Entah kenapa ada sekelumit perasaan kat dia. Dina kata, ni sebab aku punya keinginan tak tercapai. Ye lah, nak miliki dia gittew. Kun dah buat macam-macam yang cukup jelas menunjukkan yang dia tak cukup baik untuk aku.. Dia suka orang lain. He's not like what I thought he is. Tapi....... Ah, malas la nak cakap. Tak suka.

Lately, macam-macam jadi dekat aku.. Batuk teruk. Sakit sampai shaking and nauseated.. Involved in an accident, phone masuk air. Tapi semua ni Allah uji untuk bentuk kesabaran aku. Orang yang sabar ni besar ganjarannya. Satu lagi nak kekal optimis, positif, kena sentiasa bersangka baik pada Allah. Apa saja yang berlaku, terus set dekat otak yang Allah buat ni nak uji kita. Apa reaksi kita, apa kata-kata yang kita keluarkan. Kiraman katibin, malaikat ada kiri kanan catat semua... Hmm.

I'll be leaving Penang in 2 weeks from now. Tak sampai. 10 days more. Ya Rabb. Rasa malas pulak nak balik Tg Malim. Can I have another 7 days of holiday after the 9th of June? Hmm. I'm not in the mood to write now. Good bye :)

The Taiping Lake Garden.

Bismillah...

So, yesterday... I went to Taiping Lake Garden with Nadh! I dont know how to describe my feeling that time. It was so thrilled because that place is one of the place that I'm dying to go. Tapi... There's one person that light up my err, keinginan to go there. He is someone that I used to love. Sebenarnya malas nak ungkit segala rasa tu dah. I'm not interested to any kind of thing eh I mean, love thingy whatever. Haha. Engko boleh tak jangan pedulikan grammatical errors aku? Come on, it's my semester break. I need my time to write like a moron sebab nanti start class, I'm not gonna have any time to make up errors in my grammar. Haha.

So, I thought that it will be just fine if I go there. I mean, I'm not gonna be distracted with any memories but no. Every steps that I took at the Lake Garden, I'm walking with a thought that Afif Masrom is with me.. Bodoh kan? Aku rasa aku agak bodoh tapi nak buat macam mana. Dah dia yang intoduce the place to me. And tempat tu memang lawa gila. And I did shouting Afif's name. It was like "Afif Masrom! I'm here at the Lake Garden without you!" pfftt hahahaha. It was so loud. Luckily there's only me and Nadh that time.

Tempat tu saaaangat cantik. I mean, come on.... Ni baru Malaysia. Belum lagi tempat-2 lain kat negara lain. And tu baru dunia. Belum lagi syurga. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. So, these are some of the pictures that I'm gonna share. 

amazing view

Awak sepatutnya ada kat sebelah saya kan? Haha

Hai..

The famous Lake Garden Street

Cantik!

Hai, sudikah awak nikahi saya? Kakaka

I can jog here until kughuih

MashaAllah. Cantiknya Efa. I mean, cantiknya view. Hehe

Beautiful Lake :)

Pokok-2 kat sini dah berusia more than 100 years. 

Pedulik apa orang nak kata. Kali ni aku nak cakap pasal future. My future. Your future? Our future?

Bismillah...

First of all, I write this thing because... Because I can. Haha. Ok. It might sound a little stewwwpid but who cares. These things I wanna write, are all about what I want in the future. And the next 10 years from now, I'll read back what I wrote and see, have I achieved all the things here or not.

I'll start with my future spouse..... Hikhik. Sebab aku gatal kan, so aku tulis la pasal bakal laki aku. Kalau aku extra gatal, aku tulis pasal bakal laki engko. Haha. No. I'm joking. K, let's start with.... Zahirnya!
Zahirnya tu, luaran dia lah. To be honest, of course I want someone yang handsome. I'm not lying. Kadang-kadang aku suka tengok lelaki handsome. Bukan kadang-kadang lah, selalu. Kalau aku nampak lelaki handsome je mesti aku jeling dua, tiga, doploh kali. Maaflah aku bukan jenis wanita yang pandai jaga mata :( InsyaAllah akan cuba sehabis baik lagi lepas ni.

Bila cakap pasal handsome, kalau aku dapat yang macam Kim Bum, it's a mega bonus for me. Haha. Tapi aku tak minta lah hensem sangat macam tu kan. Nanti aku pula yang payah nak melawan kegilaan wanita-2 yang nak kat suami aku. Aku yang cuak lebih nak biarkan suami aku di luar rumah. Tak pasal-pasal, hanya kerana cemburu aku simbah asid ke muka suami lalu di ceraikan. Nauzubillah. Teruknya cara aku berfikir. Ok lah tu gurau je.

What I really want is, someone yang seronok mata aku melihat. Tak apa lah tak handsome sangat pun. Ada manisnya, cukup lah. Aku bukannya lawa sangat macam Kajol ke, Selena Gomez ke.. Aku biasa je.. Kalau dapat yang handsome tu, bonus lah kan. I want someone yang hidung mancung.. Mata yang redup. Gigi cantik. Senget sikit tak apa. Gigi aku pun senget. Haha. Kalau jongang, pergi pakai braces dulu. See, masalah boleh diselesaikan. Dan aku tak mahu dia seorang perokok. No way aku nak kahwini perokok. It's like marrying the killer to my children and myself okay. No, I dont wanna harm my kids and my life.

Ahhh. Another things I forgot to mention is, I want a tall husband. I mean, taller than me. Because, I'm a super duper tall girl. This is serious. Tak kan lah aku nak kahwin dengan someone shorter than me? Well people said it's okay la bla bla. But no. I won't. It's weird, and I just loooove tall man. Hehe. And! I don't want fat guy please :( Aku rasa kalau dia gemuk, mesti dia seorang yang tak pandai jaga badan, kuat makan dan pemalas. And how he supposes to take care of me? HOW?

Enough with all that physical characteristic. Now, I wanna talk about batin seorang bakal suami. Hahaha. Gosh, it sounds very improper. So, this is gonna be soooo long. First thing first. I want someone yang religious. Pentingkan agama, sayangkan Tuhan dan Rasulnya. Pious senang cerita. Tapi, bila cakap pasal someone yang pious, mesti orang fikir yang dia tu kolot lah, tak cool lah. Hmm. I agree. Memang ada pun yang macam tu. But I want my future husband to be pious, and at the same time, he's a cool man. Kelakar tu yang penting. Bukanlah kelakar sangat macam Johan or Zizan... Kalau dapat yang macam tu mesti mati hati aku ni sebab selalu gelak. Biasa-biasa je lah.. As example, dah buat lawak sengal ke apa semua, dia ingatkan aku supaya tak terus lagha. Solat di awal waktu.. Lepas solat selalu tazkirah kan aku dan anak-anak. Haaa best nya. Haha

Aku nak suami yang bersederhana dalam setiap perkara. Dari segi belanjanya, tak boros. Pemakaiannya tak too complicated and tak pentingkan brands. Tak cerewet kalau boleh. Itu tak kena, ini tak kena. Aku ni dah la jenis tak pandai sabar orangnya. Takut pula I'll end up marah-2 suami.. Hukhuk. Takmo jadi isteri durhaka. Tak cium baru syorga nanti.

Haa, tadi bila bercakap soal religious, I want him to able to read the Quran.. Kalau tajwid nya perfect, it's a bonus. And if it's not, it's okay as long as he'll try to imrpove himself. Aku pun suka baca Quran, with taranum. So, it must be sweet if we can taranum together. Hehe. kalau boleh, memang nak kan bakal suami yang rajin mengaji. Rasulullah bersabda: "Rumah yang tidak membaca Al-Quran itu umpama kubur." I don't want my house to be like graves. No. And a house it's not just a house.. It's home. When people get married pun, di ibaratkan seperti membina masjid. So, pengisian sebuah masjid itu adalah ibadah.. sama la mcm perkahwinan. kahwin bukan takat suka-2 je, tapi ada pengisian. Aku harap bakal suami adalah seorang yg sedar benda ni semua.

To be honest, of course I want someone yang tinggi ilmu agamanya. Tapi, dah pujuk hati ni supaya tak berharap tinggi. Kalau dapat yang tak berapa pandai, tapi selalu cari ilmu, tuntut ilmu, it's gonna be okay. Bila ada masa free, si suami bawa diri ini dan anak-anak menuntut ilmu agama. Sampai lah ke ahir hayat pun, sentiasa nak tuntut ilmu. Seronok bila tengok Ustaz Don mengajar. Kalau boleh, nak yang macam tu lah. Mengajar orang sangat faham, kelakar pulak tu. Haha.

Next, I want a husband yang ringan tulang. Rajin buat kerja-kerja rumah. I'm not asking yang akan buat semua benda.. But at least, will help me. Ingat senang ke nak urus rumah? Aku boleh menyapu, basuh pinggan mangkuk, sidai, lipat kain, buang habuk, vacuum. Tapi encik suami tolong lah buang sawang, buang habuk kipas, yang tinggi-tinggi macam kemas kabinet dapur yang atas tu ke.. Tolong lah. Haha. Tak larat nak buat semua tau. Ha lagi satu.. Gosok baju. Aku tak berapa minat sangat la gosok baju ni. So harap-harap dapat suami yang rajin bergilir-gilir tukar turn untuk gosok baju. Hahaha. Comel je.

I can bebel about my future spouse panjang berjela but I'm pretty sure that I'm not gonna get like what I describe here. Eh boleh kot. Don't underestimate du'a and Allah's power. So, biar je lah aku nak bebel banyak mana pun. Hehe.

Ok now, I wanna talk about my future husband's career. I don't really mind about this. Kerja lah apa pun, asalkan semasa kerja di redhai Allah, dan dapat rezeki yang halalan toyyiban. Dari segi kewangan pula, aku tak minta yang kaya raya banyak harta. Cukuplah sekadar mampu sediakan rumah yang selesa, rumah ada perabot, keperluan harian, ada kenderaan yang selesa dan boleh di bawa jauh berjalan. cukup lah. kalau di takdirkan, aku ada rezeki berkahwin dengan lelaki yang ada banyak harta, aku harap dengan harta dan rezeki sebanyak tu tak buat aku jauh dari Allah. malah sentiasa bersyukur. Dan seandainya bakal suami tak mampu sediakan keperluan, dan aku terpaksa hidup dalam kesusahan, aku harap aku tetap bersyukur, makin dekat dengan Allah dan redha serta sabar dengan apa yang aku dapat. Sebab tu, dapat suami yg pious, warak menjadi pilihan hati. Sebab aku tahu, orang macam tu yang akan buat aku sentiasa dekat dan mencintai Allah setiap masa :)

Aku ada minat lebih kepada lelaki yang into sports. And... Music. Bila cakap pasal sport, kalau encik bakal tu Chelsea fans, Alhamdulillah.. rezeki. Mana-mana pergi pun pakai jersey Chelsea. Haha. Bawak aku jalan-jalan ke Stamford Bridge ke. Waaa best nya! Tapi, kalau kami berbeza minat.. It's still okay. Boleh la gaduh-2 manja everytime ada match. Haha. Boleh betukar idea dan kritik sesama teams. Mana-mana pun tak kisah. Yang penting, dia minat bola sepak lah. I can't imagine if I end up with someone yang tak minat bola. It must be super weird. Dengan siapa aku nak tengok bola kat kedai mamak? Dengan siapa aku nak pergi stadium tengok match? No way. Aku perlukan lelaki yang minat bola. Hahaha.

About music pulak.... Haihh. Future husband.. Awak kena tahu yang saya sangat suka menyanyi. Dan saya selalu cair dengan orang yang pandai main instrument. Especially gitar and piano. *lempang diri sendiri* Musicians adalah sangat charming. And I used to be in that world.. I used to sing on stage. Selalu bayangkan diri ini menjadi seorang penghibur di atas pentas. Music was my life, my everything. Until Allah gave His hidayah to me. Aku dah kurang involve dalam music. Memang dah tak nyanyi kat public. Kat rumah n pusat karaoke je lah tempat tuju nak lepas gian. Harapnya bakal suami boleh terima keadaan diri ini yang amat sukakan microphone. Haha. Dapat suami yang bersuara lunak lagi lah bonus! Kihkih.

Hmm. Apa lagi nak bebel eh? Oh ya... I want a responsible husband. Tahu tanggungjawab sebagai suami.. Nafkah perlu dipenuhi. Dan seorang yang cintakan kanak-kanak. Nothing can touch my heart more than a guy who loves kids and elderly people. Rasa boleh jatuh cinta terus kalau nampak lelaki macam tu.. Hmm. Ok, next! I want a husband who does the groceries and pergi market beli ikan, sayur. Hahaha. Kau ingat senang nak dapat lelaki macam tu? Kalau dapat yang tak pernah pergi pasar pun tak apa, asalkan mahu belajar. Temankan diri ini menyopping ikan, ayam, daging, sayuran. Bukan only drive the car, drop me down, aku yang masuk market, dia dok dalam kereta dengar radio, tweet pasal bola or politic. Lulz.

Dari segi peribadinya, aku dah mentioned kat atas... Kalau boleh nak kan seorang yang cool and kelakar and pious at the same time. Haha. Yang lain-2 tu, aku nak dia soft spoken.. Mulut tak laser. Tak perli-perli. Sebab aku tak tahan dengan benda tu semua. Aku seorang yang susah sangat nak terasa. Kalau orang perli, memang tak masuk dalam hati lansung.. But once bila dah terasa, memang 10 tahun pun tak tentu lagi aku terima orang tu. Hmm. Aku pun jenis gurau kasar kadang-kadang. So, tak nak la dapat yang macam aku. Nanti gaduh :( Tak suka gaduh... Eh tapi aku senang je maafkan orang. Eh eh entah lah. Aku memang tak nak yang jenis macam kat atas tu.

Berkaitan hobi, aku harap aku tak dapat suami yang ada hobi mengumpul setem. Nanti aku bakar album setem dia. Hahaha lulz. I don't have a specific hobby. I love to sing, and I can sing all the time. I love watching movies, and please, future husband must bring me to the cinema frequently. Haha. I love karaoke-ing, I love to draw.. Benda-2 simple macam tu. Aku simple orang nya ^.^ So, aku harap aku dapat suami yang boleh fit in dengan hobbies aku lah. Tak nak la dia ada hobby pelik-2. Eh future husband, if you read this right now, saya tak halang awak nak ada hobi pelik. Kalau boleh, tak payah lah. Hahaha. Peace.

Rasa nya itu je lah kot. Hmm. Aku nak sambung pasal myself, what I'll do, what's my plan for my future tapi malas lah. Haa tengok. Acane lah nak berjaya. Kalau tak merancang, maksudnya kita merancang untuk gagal. Aku dah rancang dah, cuma belum nak tulis je ok? Hihi. Sekian saja dari saya. Jaga hati, hiasi peribadi, bimbing jiwa dekati Rabbi. Salam Alaik :)

Few hours to my birthday.... Well not anymore...

Alhamdulillah. I'm safely arrived at Penang. Good bye Sabak Bernam. Yknowww. I left my family, my mother for sure in a few hours before my birthday and I feel a bit suck.

.................................

Madah-madah diatas telah ditulis semasa aku baru sampai Penang. Lepas tu tak habis tulis sebab dah sibuk buat benda lain. Buat apa pun aku tak tahu la. Right now, I'm on the bed, typing on this laptop about my day. Yes, my birthday. Dah passed one hour. It's already 30th of March. Takde buat apa sangat pun since aku kat rumah makcik tercinta ni. Dok babysitting je lah.

Ya Rabbi, aku sangat sangat not in the mood nak menulis sekarang. Izinkan aku pergi. Assalamualaikum.

Incomplete.

Ara, y u no here with me? I think I have to get use with this feeling. Aku dah tak tahu mana lagi sakit. Either putus cinta or putus hubungan dengan anak buah aku. For the past a year, my whole life change upside down. I can't think of how to put myself back in the happy corner or something. I realized that the only place that I can turn to make myself happy is Allah, friends and family. Aku yakin semua ni ada hikmah. Allah is The One who created this, and Allah is The One whom I should turn to when I have no strength to live in this world. Aku penat. Aku penat hidup macam ni. Nobody ever understand my condition right now. Nobody. Kalau aku luah dan cerita dari awal ke hujungnya penderitaan aku selama ni, tak kan ada yang benar-benar faham kecuali mereka yang pernah lalui apa yang aku rasa.

"Efa, you are such a strong girl I ever seen in this world. The problems that you're facing right now, yes I know that they don't affect you through the physical way. But I know that you're having a hard time dealing with your emotion. Benda dalam hati kan, Efa? Aku rasa kalau aku kat tempat kau, aku boleh jadi gila."

NSMF, 2013

Yes, I think these tests are really hard for me. Tapi Allah kan tak kan menguji hamba Nya melampaui apa yang aku termampu. Aku percaya tu. Aku sentiasa cari, dalam setiap apa yang jadi, aku akan pastikan aku tak terpesong dari landasan Ilahi. I was a bad, bad, bad girl before. Tapi sampai bila aku nak kekal dalam hidup tu? Alhamdulillah dengan ujian yang Allah beri, aku dapat cari semula kekuatan diri. Dulu aku sangka aku kuat, tapi sebenarnya aku lemah. Lemah dalam mempercayai kuasa Rabb ku. Kini aku gagah berdiri atas segala impak ujian yang Allah Taala beri untuk aku capai redha Ilahi dan demi syurga yang di janji.

Aku ni pandai jugak bermadah puitis. Aku rasa aku lahir untuk menulis. Aumm. 

This is life, Efa. Dalam setiap yang pahit itu ada manisnya. Aku cuma kena terus kuat dan percaya. Ara kat Besut, Allah ganti dengan adiknya. Memang lah baby tu tak kan boleh ganti Ara. Aku.. Aku terlalu sayang kan Ara. Aghhh aku takmo dah layan perasaan ni. I'm sick. Aku tak sangka affect dia boleh jadi macam ni. I'm awake, but my world is half asleep. Tadi dapat call Ara and it just brought the tears and sadness. Bahagia cuma seketika. Kalau diikut rasa hati, ingin aku beli tiket bas direct ke Besut. Dah, cukup untuk hari ni. Aku nak sambung tengok Tarzan. 

The new family

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah  Shukran ya Allah. My sil selamat lahirkan anak kedua dia malam tadi. Which automatically made Ara as Kak Long! Omg anak aku yang kecik tu dah dapat adik. Ara si botak tu dah jadi kakak. Omg this life is totally torturing my emotion. Am I really connected to this life? Every single things happened in a blink of an eye. Feels like Ara just born onto this world last week. And out of sudden, Ara is now a sister to her cute, liddol, tiny baby brother. Pergghhhh.

And yknow what?! I'm in my semester break and I still can't believe it. I can't believe that I'm actually in Sabak Bernam and spending every seconds breathing the Sabak's air. Okay I think I'm being melodramatic and it's freaking annoying.

Two semesters passed by. And they passed with the same situations. I AM FRIGGIN' ANNOYED WITH SHAZLAN AMIRUL. Masa sem 1 dulu takde la rasa macam ni. Tapi kali ni, dengan mata kepala sendiri tengok dia date dengan ex roommate aku, I felt like I wanna scream my lungs out right infront of him jugak at that time. I'm not jealous or what. It just, I'm freaking sad because he turned into someone he said he will never be. And I'm not that sad because he lied to me. But I'm sad that from now on, I can't trust him anymore. I know it's a good thing to have him as my friend which I consider as my soul mate since we got so much commons in each other, but Kun. I had enough. So, goodbye :)

The other shits feeling that actually living inside of me right now is, the fact that Ara is not here. She's thousands miles away from me. Sedih sangat. Aku jaga dia masa dia baru lahir. Masa tapak kaki dia kecik 2 jari aku sampai la dia dah besar boleh jalan, boleh gelak, joget dengan aku. Dia dah pandai sebut maklang even she pronounced it as 'Malam' and sometimes, 'Ayam'. I miss her so much. Kadang-kadang bila aku teringat kat Ara, aku nangis sampai keluar bunyi. Haha. I mean, bukan teresak esak je. I keep calling 'Ara.... Ara.... Maklang rindu....' k, teruk betul aku nangis. On April, aku dah nak pergi Penang. Kerja kat sana 2 bulan n right before aku balik UPSI, aku nak pergi Besut. By myself untuk jumpa Ara. I don't care. Aku nak pergi jumpa jugak anak aku. Ni nama nya cinta sejati.

I have no time to think of anything else such as love or whatever. I have many things to be take care of. My new nephew, Ara.. My parents's divorce. My adik-adik yang perlukan kasih sayang. Sekarang ni pun duduk kat rumah nenek sebab nenek sakit. Banyak benda aku terpaksa deal sekarang. But I believe that everything must have its own reason and pasti ada hikmah. I put my trust in Allah. Nak tidur jap, qailullah. Assalamualaikum.

So, impressive. I made the third blog for myself at this very end of my 18 years old of living in this world. Nothing to be blogged about actually. I am just looking for another way to write my story or on the other word, my daily notes besides the social network's accounts that I own these friggin' days.

It has been a total shock for me when I recall back the fact that I'm gonna end this second semester in about two days from now! Can't believe how damn fast the time flies. And at this very moment, I still have a crush on the same person since the first day I saw him when I started my university life. Shazlan Amirul. I dont know why, I dont know how. This is all from Allah. No matter what I do, where I go, what I eat. And at the end of the day, I'm still looking forward after him. Even after all the gross facts that I heard about him. Sedih bukan?

On this June, I'm gonna start my third semester which is gonna be the half of my journey as an diploma in English student in Sultan Idris University of Education. And then, another three semesters to go and I'll find my way to be somebody in the future. I'll leave this place soon. I dont know what the future might be but I'm hoping that I will be in a good part of my life. Indeed.

I am actually getting sick to ease my mind about this one particular guy. Siapa lagi kalau bukan Shazlan Amirul. I'm fine, I'm doing good even I know that he's been flirting with my ex roommate whom well known among our friends as the 'heart-breaker'. I dont know what Shazlan sees in her. Her pretty face maybe. But doesn't he realized that pretty face will never promise a pretty heart? Maybe she has changed now, who knows right?

Whatever it is, I am now dealing with my body figure issues. As a woman, having those stupid insecurities are the part of living right? so I have this shit feeling of having a skinny body just like the models used to have. But when it comes to eat, ahaaa I ain't tolerate with that. But sometimes I am. I fast a lot these days to control my nafs towards those delicious food.